Chained Down

So, I can't sleep ... and it's just been one of those weeks ... It's times like these that make me seriously question the importance of school. I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and for what, a peice of paper at the end of it that is supposed to say to society that I'm important now. There's not enough time in the day, and there is no eye to this storm. I hate the feeling of just trying to keep from drowning. I hate that I've accepted mediocrity, and that just getting things done is an accomplishment. I hate my lack luster, half-ass lifestyle. I hate not being focused, and useless. I'm spread so thin that I don't even know who I am anymore ... what i've become is society's monster and pawn, and for what? Don't get me wrong, I love school, I love the people and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've learned a lot about time management, and priorities ... I'm just sick of this fast paced, uselessness. I need to slow down (not yet because obviously i have to finish), but slow down and produce higher quality efforts, more faithfullness, reliable, consistant. Slowing down doesn't mean becoming more lazy, it means becoming more dilligent, a better steward, more prudent. Sometimes it's okay to say no. I feel like as a christian I'm supposed to be, "open to whatever God has for me." which in a since is true, but it seems like more of a huge trap than anything, which i've fallen headfirst, and blindly into. When God's hand is in something you'll know it, it will be unmistakable ... and more overwhelming than anything I (we) alone could ever work out by ourselves. I guess I just have trouble discerning what my part is in pursuing the things in front of me, and God's faithfulness to provide. I'm so eager to see God move that I follow every red herring and miss Him completely ... To often I buy the lies, follow the status quo, and am too easily decieved ... Luke 17:32 REMEMBER LOT'S WIFE ... There's no in between, it's all or nothing ... being caught in between is a choice by it'self ... I'm sure I could babble on like a little school girl, but I'll refrain